THE ELEPHANT(S) IN THE ROOM

Success is due to our stretching to the challenges of life. Failure comes when we shrink from them.

John C. Maxwell

In way too many families there is a branch of the family that is not functioning as hoped. By the nature of the beast, it is not a subject that is talked about openly. I will urge you to at least be aware of what is transpiring in your family. The reality is that it is also transpiring in many extended families. Keep an eye out for the signs of these issues visiting upon your family in the event you can help support those involved and possibly avert them.

The Elephant(s) In The Room Is:

Divorce

About half of all marriages in the United States end in divorce. Another challenge is that nearly 2/3rds of second marriages end in divorce as well. Given that the parents are the chief stewards of our Grandchildren you can see where this has the potential to affect our relationships with our Grandkids. The sad reality is that if you are the paternal Grandparents, unless you do some extraordinary work the odds are stacked against you. Please keep this in mind when you read the chapter on Alienated Grandparents. Let me tease you here with the best tool you have in your Grandparent’s toolbox. That tool is the question “How much do you want to pay to be right?”

Drug Addiction

Drug addiction and all of its ancillary consequences, ie. Incarceration, abandonment and drug overdose deaths which usually take down the other parent eventually. We don’t like to talk about it but this is an epidemic. By definition an epidemic is a widespread occurrence of an infectious disease in a community at a particular time. This is a particular time and it is in every community.

Controlling Spouses

There is an even darker side to Grandparent Alienation as well. While not as prevalent as being caught up in our own children’s bad behavior, the idea of a sinister force of deliberate alienation is something to be aware of. I am not a psychologist or expert but the signs of this kind of Alienation eerily parallel the behaviors of abusive partners. Think along the lines of a spouse that has isolated your child from the family. One that tries to control every interaction with no obvious reasons. There are those who seek to control every aspect of their partners and family behaviors.

Trouble in Paradise

As time passes and there is trouble in paradise you understandably want to defend your own child but at what cost? The common denominator in these two critical junctures of Grandparenting is emotions. The paradox is that you can cause yourself as well as your Grandchildren a good deal of heartache while you see yourself as acting with the best of intentions. Keep the “Long Game” front and center, this may be your greatest test. Be careful not to get yourself sidelined at this crucial time in your family. There is a different way to handle these moments. It is probably one of the truly Good to Great moments that pays the greatest benefits to all involved. Let me say once again, I recognize the difficulty of the moment but I am witness to the import of the moment as well. It warrants your consideration.