THE UNIMAGINABLE-Grandchild Abuse and/or Neglect
(This includes Bullying)
I would rather have not been tasked with writing this chapter but it is definitely way too important to skip. The #1 concern of Grandparents, hands down, is the Safety and Health of their Grandchildren. That coupled with the unique position of Grandparents in the family structure makes this subject not only germain to this book but it is a way to make this world a better place for all children, especially our own Grandchildren. If you do all you can to create a meaningful lasting relationship with your Grandchildren then you may be the one SAFE PLACE for this child to turn to if their world goes haywire.
Every 21 minutes a child is abused in this country. This equates to over 25,000 each year. Waaaaay too important to skip. As Grandparents we are in a position to be an early detector. I know, I don’t want to think about it either, but I am not making this up. It does happen and as focussed observers of our Grandkids, hopefully not, however we just may see some of the early warning signs listed below and be instrumental in saving a child from this experience.
A few things to consider are, this is serious territory both from the family relationship perspective and from the consequences for our Grandchildren’s safety perspective.
To illustrate what can happen let me tell you a cautionary tale. When our first born was about three or four he, being the Energizer Bunny that he was and still is over 50 years later, fell off the swing and broke his right ankle. Fortunately x-rays showed it was not a compound fracture so the Emergency room Doctor put his right leg in a half cast and sent us back home. We were told to keep him off of it for the next week. Good luck with that. About two days later he slipped on the Terrazzo floor on the front porch and fell down. Back to the emergency room. He was only bruised but no additional bones broken and the leg checked out OK. A few weeks later he slipped while climbing a small and close to the ground tree in our front yard but his armpit got hung up on a sharp limb stub and he got a fairly significant cut. Back to the Emergency room for a few stitches and an antibiotic. Wait for it…..wait for it. A few days later we were visited by the county health nurse to check on his well being. Fortunately our home showed no signs of a torture chamber and it was clean and orderly enough that she went away satisfied that he had not been subject to nightly beatings. In retrospect, we were glad that someone was paying attention and this was 1972. The good news is that someone was paying attention. We should be that someone.
The Signs
As a Grandparent this puts you squarely in a very powerful position which in some cases may devolve to a delicate situation. If you see some of the signs listed below you have a critical decision to make. If you suspect bullying it is an easy call to involve the parents. If you suspect abuse at the hands of another family member then it becomes harder. If you find yourself in this position, please ponder it, pray on it and ponder it some more because it is a bridge that is hard, if not impossible to cross back over.
The difference between something good and something great is attention to detail.
Having said all of that, the first rule of safety for the child is that if you see something is to report it. If you merely suspect something, definitely document it somewhere, if only your trusty legal pad or Treasure Trove pages. Remember that details count. The suggestion of the experts is that you, at a minimum, tell someone you trust. A family therapist, a therapist, a doctor, a social worker or someone from the clergy. If the situation is dangerous, call in Child protective services or the police If it is that bad the prevailing wisdom is, don’t confront the abuser. Let the professionals handle it There is even an option to call it in anonymously. If you need a trained counselor, call The National Child Abuse Hotline. This is a function provided by ChildHelp, 1-800-4 A CHILD. 1-800-422-4453. The companion online version of this is, www.childhelphotline.org.
As a Caring Grandparent some of these signs of abuse and neglect will probably already have been obvious to you but just in case here, they are. These apply to emotional, sexual and Physical abuse as well as Neglect.
- Changes in behavior. This may manifest as anxiety, not wanting to go home, fear of certain people in or close to the family, even changes in eating habits.
- Physical injuries consistent with being severely punished or abused. Things like welts, burn marks or new bruises. Take photos and make notes of dates and particulars..
- In small children, renewed bed wetting after they have conquered that hurdle.
- Self soothing actions, flinching that they never did before or even nail biting that shows up as a new behavior.
- Extreme cases may involve cutting behaviors.
- Unusual hunger, poor hygiene, inattention by the caregivers.
- Isolation
- Eating disorders.
- Fear of a certain person or family member.
- Infections or any genital injuries.
If any of this happens in your family there are several options for you as a Grandparent. I would first find a support community to help me through this extremely confusing and disappointing time. One of the best support structure I know can be found Grandparents Raising Grandchildren – HelpGuide.org
This is new territory for most folks and support is paramount to get through it. You are not in this alone, there are tens of thousands that experience this tragedy each year. Facebook has a Grandparents Raising Grandchildren site that has 1600 members. It is a closed group but easy to join.
Other considerations are getting legal help. An article on Modernfamilylaw.com states: “In today’s world of modern families, it’s not unusual for grandparents to seek their own rights regarding their grandchildren. This is a well-established statutory ability for grandparents (or great-grandparents). With this ability, grandparents “seek a court order granting them reasonable grandchild or great-grandchild visitation rights.” However, the implementation of these rights can only be done when the custody of children becomes an issue before the Courts. Examples of appropriate circumstances would include divorce, allocation of parental responsibilities (custody), and the death of a parent. In some cases, the State steps in to remove the children from the parents for neglect or abuse of the children which act as a situational qualifier. It is important to understand that outside of these circumstances, grandparents do not have the ability or standing to request implementation of grandparents rights. Absent such circumstances, parents have the right to provide visitation with grandparents as they see fit.”
This course of action is more for after the abuse has been reported but staying in touch with your Grandchild is paramount to that child’s healing. No matter what it takes, you most probably will be the safest and most effective person in their lives at this point.
Much has been written about the value of a trusted member of the family and for the victim’s need to be supported and reminded it is not their fault. Most likely the perpetrator has messed with their minds. Listen, listen and listen some more. If they aren’t communicative then let them know they matter to you and that you are there for them. Whatever it takes to make being with you a safe place for them is the most effective approach.
Usually involving a professional therapist and/or social worker will help support you and the child. Most jurisdictions have a Child Protective Service, even though it may be called by various names. Everything you can do to focus on the child’s well-being is a step towards them trusting you and facilitating their healing.
Don’t forget you in all of this. The journey back to stability and healing is long, hard and will exact an emotional toll if you don’t consider your own well-being. You should take good care of yourself so you can be in it for the long run. You undoubtedly will represent hope, support and stability for your Grandchild. This may entail you setting boundaries as well. You should build an active support network to help you during this time and going forward.
No matter the personal costs, being an advocate for an abused and/or neglected child is a noble cause. Learn all you can to help your Grandchild and yourself to weather this storm. Regardless of the uphill climb that will ensue, the Journey is definitely worth it.
National Child Abuse Hotline
1-800-422-4453
Website