(By mistake and on purpose)
Alienated Grandparents
There's nothing written in the Bible, Old or New Testament, that says, 'If you believe in Me, you ain't going to have no troubles.
Alienation from your Grandchildren is an extreme but very possible outcome of The Elephant(s) in the Room scenario. There are many ways that this sad but sometimes preventable outcome happens to well-meaning, Loving, and Caring Grandparents.
The reality is that some parents get incarcerated, become incapacitated, or even die. There is always the possibility of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, clinical depression, mental health issues, chronic unemployment, suicide, etc.
All of these will profoundly affect the family situation and your place in it as a Grandparent. If you see these kinds of things coming or are already there, your options are limited. Two of the possibilities are; first, you should align yourself with others going through the same kind of situation. It helps to share stories, strategies, and outcomes with like-minded Grandparents who are going through this as well. Second is to organize any documentation of your involvement in your Grandchildren’s lives.
Organize Any Documentation
Don’t rely on memory. Things like photos, videos, letters, your Treasure Trove pages, messages, etc. If it goes this far some state courts will consider the ongoing relationship when considering that alienation from the Grandparents may cause harm to the child.
The importance of knowing about all of these seemingly off-the-wall situations that occur much more often than you would think is that, in some cases, you will need to interject yourself into consideration by family law and/or court system in a timely manner to be even considered when things shake out from a legal standpoint. These are the kinds of circumstances that call for a Family Law attorney’s advice. You will need to know that each state has its own independent and often diverse laws and guidelines when it comes to Grandparents’ Rights.
In the Never-Give-Up category
One completely cut off Grandma came up with the idea of a Memory Kit, which consists of things like those returned birthday cards and letters, as well as mementos that she held sacred about each Grandchild, etc. This becomes Golden if and when your Grandchild grows up and comes looking for more of that Grandma or Grandpa Love. Just imagine the incredible boost for that child to know that through the years they were in your heart all along. Good idea. Actually, it’s a Great idea.
Most Grandmothers still have a box of letters, some sent and returned, and some just written and put in a drawer over the years. These seem to be as valuable to the writer as they are if the Grandchild shows up after they turn 18 and return for more Love.
I am a fan of the Ancestry stories that reunite parents after many years. There are also a lot of heartwarming stories of grown children trying to find and reconnect with long lost Grandparents that had Loved and cared for them when they were small.
In the keep Hope alive category
A suggestion is to cherish and celebrate any other Grandchildren you do get to stay connected to. Learn, learn, and learn all you can from other Alienated Grandparents and vow to not make some of the mistakes they share about how they came to be in this large and growing group of devastated Grandparents. Continue your Journey with each and all of them and share your Gratitude with all who will hear.
Finally, when it comes to prevention of alienation there are some best practices for you to avoid the pitfalls and silent undercurrents of resentment that sometimes happen without us even knowing. The Journey from Good to Great Grandparenting is not necessarily paved with good intentions, but the path is made smoother and more possible with Best Practices.
The first, foremost, and sometimes hard to get used to, is to truly partner with the parents of your Grandchildren.
In the case where you are partnering with your own child, you must, for the benefit of all concerned, find a way to bury any remaining hatchets, and annihilate your “I’m still in charge” EGO. Make it a point to stifle the need to instruct your child on the best way to raise their child.
Keep your metaphorical roll of Duct Tape handy. Once again be reminded, this is THEIR child.
Bond with your Daughter-in-law or Son-in-law. Get to know them and treat them with even more respect than they deserve. As the Bible says in both the Old and New Testament, Genesis 2-24, Mathew 19 5-6, and Ephesians 5-31, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” This must be pretty important to span those many years and warrant three mentions. Just sayin’. You don’t have to like it, but your Grandparenting will go soooooo much better if you do.
Ask, ask, ask the new parents to be, just how they would like this whole birthing thing to go. Be especially tuned into the wishes of the mother of this new miracle about to be born. If you are the maternal Grandparents your status is totally different than if you are the paternal Grandparents. This successful Grandparenting is a marathon, not a sprint or a photo op.
Be thoughtful in your gift giving, especially early on. This is not a competition between Grandparents. Just some more food for thoughtfulness.
Grow in knowledge about your Grandchild as they themselves grow. This is the secret sauce of creating a Meaningful Lasting Relationship with each Grandchild.
Consult the parents early and often. The most beautiful song is when the parents and you sing from the same hymnal and sing the same song, in harmony.
You may think it is cute to spoil your Grandkids. It is probably not cute, nor is it productive. Pay close attention to what is going on with your Grandchildren both online and off.