From Good to Great: The Question Every Grandparent Needs to Ask

Most grandparents are good. They show up. They love their grandchildren. They want to be involved.

But there is a gap between good grandparents and great ones. And in my experience, it almost always comes down to one relationship – and one question most grandparents never think to ask.

I stumbled into this realization on a podcast interview that I expected to be a routine conversation. The host of The Rebel Rootz Show asked me what I thought was the biggest mistake grandparents make.

I didn’t hesitate.

“The biggest mistake grandparents make is forgetting to take care of their grandchildren’s mother.”

Then I said this:

“The daughter or daughter-in-law is the queen on the throne. She decides whether you get access to your grandchildren. Respect her, value her, and never take sides in a conflict.”

A clip of that moment reached 1.9 million people on TikTok. The response changed the direction of my work.

What 1.9 Million People Recognized

The comments that flooded in after that clip were not what I expected. I anticipated some agreement, some pushback, maybe a few strong opinions.

What I got instead was grief.

Grandmothers writing: “I wish someone had told me this 20 years ago.”

Daughters-in-law writing: “Please send this to my mother-in-law.”

Adult children writing: “This is exactly what destroyed our family.”

And grandparents – heartbroken grandparents – writing: “I lost access to my grandchildren and I never understood why until right now.”

Good grandparents love their grandchildren. Great grandparents understand that loving their grandchildren well requires tending every relationship in the family system – especially the one with the person raising those children.

The Gap Between Good and Great

Here is what I have come to believe after 80+ years of family life, 4 books, and nearly 500 published articles on grandparenting:

The gap between good and great grandparenting is not about how much time you spend with your grandchildren. It is not about the gifts you give or the memories you create. It is about whether the parents of your grandchildren trust you – and feel genuinely supported by you.

Grandparents who make the leap from good to great are the ones who ask a question most of us were never taught to ask:

What do their parents actually want from me?

Not what we assume they want. Not what worked in our generation. What do the parents of our grandchildren actually need from us right now?

That question is the foundation of my upcoming book, The Bridge To Your Grandchildren: What Their Parents Want You To Know. And it is the single most powerful shift a grandparent can make.

Building Stronger Bonds Through the Parents

The path to your grandchildren runs directly through their parents. Not around them. Not despite them. Through them.

Grandparents who understand this build stronger bonds – not just with the parents, but with the grandchildren themselves. Here is what that looks like in practice:

• Enter their world before inviting them into yours. Ask your grandchildren to teach you something they love – a game, a song, an app, a sport. Curiosity is one of the most powerful connectors across generations.

• Support the parents consistently. Ask what helps them. Keep your agreements. Follow their routines even when you disagree. Consistency builds trust faster than any grand gesture.

• Adapt as the family grows. From picture books to projects. From playgrounds to real conversations. From phone calls to texts. The grandparent who adapts is the one who stays close.

• Repair quickly when you miss the mark. Name the impact, not your intention. “I can see that landed wrong. I’m sorry” goes further than any explanation of what you meant.